Skip to content

Johnny Novak

Yes, it's my real name

Tag Archives: Winter

It was a cold December morning about 11:00 and I was heading downtown to continue my Christmas shopping. I decided to take the bus instead of driving because I knew I would never find a parking spot. Even if I did find a parking spot, it would probably cost me an arm and a leg and I need those to carry gifts. So there I was, standing in a salt-stained glass covered bus shelter.

I live in Ottawa, so waiting 10 to 20 minutes for a bus to arrive is normal. There I was standing in the bus shelter by myself looking down at my iPhone, flipping through my apps to kill time. Facebook-Twitter-Instagram, no updates. I did it again, Facebook-Twitter-Instagram, still no updates on my phone… obviously. This is the part were I regret leaving my headphones at home. I put my phone in my pocket and that’s when I noticed her. She was tall, slender but not skinny. She was probably a model at one point but the McDonalds bag in her left hand suggested that was no longer the case. We made eye contact. She had big brown eyes and thick dark brown hair that flowed past her shoulders. She was wearing a bright tight fitting red parka that (unfortunately) covered her butt and yes, she had yoga pants on.  She had a black Chanel bag draped over her shoulder.


Not Actual Girl

She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I didn’t know if she had a boyfriend but I knew she wasn’t married judging by the lack of ring on her left hand. I had to talk to her, she was gorgeous and I was falling in love with her right in the middle of that salty bus shelter. My first instinct was to tell her that she was beautiful but she’d probably heard that a million times before. I wanted to tell her something different, something educational that would make me look smart, something that would make me stand out from the rest of the guys who have hit on her. I looked her up and then I looked her down. She was beautiful, kind of like Audrey Hepburn but not dead. That’s when I saw it, the Chanel bag. I was going to make a comment about her bag. I was going to tell her something she probably didn’t know. That’s how zombie Audrey Hepburn would remember me.  I opened my mouth and said:

“Hey, did you know Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II?


She looked at me with a blank face. She then proceeded to put her earbud headphones in and got on a different bus. Needless to say, I will Nazi her ever again…


Tags: , , , , , , ,

The popularity of beards has hit an all time high. Men and women have been raving about how great they are but do we know the negative effects of beards? Here are four reasons why beards suck.


1. Beards actually make you COLDER in the winter.

Beards make it easy for the condensation from your breath to freeze on your face and form icicles. A cold face puts your body in an ugly place.


2. Beards make you look POORER than you actually are.

A clean shaven face shows off your natural handsome features. A beard says “I’m too poor to afford razors!”

hobo3. Beards actually make your life shorter.

Am I right guys?






Show your support #TeamBabyface

Tags: , , , , , , ,