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Johnny Novak

Yes, it's my real name

Tag Archives: Ottawa

Connors Comedy Night is Ottawa’s fastest growing comedy show. At the moment, it is Ottawa’s only weekly independent comedy show.  Every Tuesday night you can see a great show hosted by yours truly, featuring some of the city’s best stand-up comedians cutting their teeth on the scene. There’s also food and drink specials including $10 pitchers and best of all, cover is absolutely free. This Tuesday night at 8:30 get a friend or nine, plus your mother and make sure you stop by 313 Bank St. for a good laugh!

For info on who’s performing or if you want to perform, make sure you check out the following:

See you on Tuesday!

ConnorsComedyNight

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Here’s where you can catch me performing this month.

  • Saturday March 15th – Barley Mow 1060 Bank St. Ottawa 9:00PM
  • Monday March 17th – Brass Monkey 250 Greenbank Rd. Ottawa 7:30PM
  • Saturday March 22nd – Ballygiblin’s 151 Bridge St. Carleton Place 8:30PM
  • Wednesday March 26th – Yuk Yuk’s 292 Elgin St. Ottawa 8:30PM

 

 

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It was a cold December morning about 11:00 and I was heading downtown to continue my Christmas shopping. I decided to take the bus instead of driving because I knew I would never find a parking spot. Even if I did find a parking spot, it would probably cost me an arm and a leg and I need those to carry gifts. So there I was, standing in a salt-stained glass covered bus shelter.

I live in Ottawa, so waiting 10 to 20 minutes for a bus to arrive is normal. There I was standing in the bus shelter by myself looking down at my iPhone, flipping through my apps to kill time. Facebook-Twitter-Instagram, no updates. I did it again, Facebook-Twitter-Instagram, still no updates on my phone… obviously. This is the part were I regret leaving my headphones at home. I put my phone in my pocket and that’s when I noticed her. She was tall, slender but not skinny. She was probably a model at one point but the McDonalds bag in her left hand suggested that was no longer the case. We made eye contact. She had big brown eyes and thick dark brown hair that flowed past her shoulders. She was wearing a bright tight fitting red parka that (unfortunately) covered her butt and yes, she had yoga pants on.  She had a black Chanel bag draped over her shoulder.

Miley_Chanel

Not Actual Girl

She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I didn’t know if she had a boyfriend but I knew she wasn’t married judging by the lack of ring on her left hand. I had to talk to her, she was gorgeous and I was falling in love with her right in the middle of that salty bus shelter. My first instinct was to tell her that she was beautiful but she’d probably heard that a million times before. I wanted to tell her something different, something educational that would make me look smart, something that would make me stand out from the rest of the guys who have hit on her. I looked her up and then I looked her down. She was beautiful, kind of like Audrey Hepburn but not dead. That’s when I saw it, the Chanel bag. I was going to make a comment about her bag. I was going to tell her something she probably didn’t know. That’s how zombie Audrey Hepburn would remember me.  I opened my mouth and said:

“Hey, did you know Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II?

Silence.

She looked at me with a blank face. She then proceeded to put her earbud headphones in and got on a different bus. Needless to say, I will Nazi her ever again…

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heartandcrownmarket

The Christmas season is all about giving and this Sunday I have a gift for you. I was recently asked to put together a comedy show that would raise money for a local charity. I rounded up some of the best local talent and we will be performing this Sunday December 8th at 7:30PM at the Heart and Crown in the Byward Market. My good friends Dan Ciggy, Tim Riel, Rebecca Reeds, Colin O’Brien, Kyle Pooler, Greg Houston and myself will be donating our time and talents to give you a fun filled evening during this busy time of year. Tickets are $10 and all proceeds go to  Valerie’s Flutter Foundation.

 

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All the information on how to pick up tickets can be found here or at the door. Thank you so much for your support. I hope to see you on Sunday night.

Love,

@JohnnyNovak

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Here’s where you can catch me on stage in the coming weeks.

Saturday November 23rd Bronson Centre 6:30PM, Ottawa

Tuesday December 3rd Brass Monkey 7:30PM, Ottawa

Sunday December 8th Heart and Crown Byward Market 8:00PM, Ottawa

Tuesday December 10th Connors Gaelic Pub 8:30PM, Ottawa

Wednesday December 18th Yuk Yuk’s Elgin 8:30PM, Ottawa

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How many times have you heard someone say that? How times have you wanted to slap that person? “I like all music, except country and rap” is the verbal equivalent of posting a picture that starts with the words “Keep Calm…”. Rap and country music are the two hottest genres of music right now. In the past week, I’ve attended a country concert and a rap concert.

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And they’re two of the best shows I’ve seen.

Here’s why: now country and rap aren’t my favourite genres (I’m more of an R&B/Soul kind of guy*) but if there’s a major country or rap star playing a show in your area, go! They are one of the best places for people watching. The amount of amazing stuff that happens at these shows is unbelievable.

A country show is the only place where you will see an intoxicated grown man run across a stage dressed like a cowboy (outside of halloween) and then get hauled off like a flailing wild animal. I hate to say it but country shows are way better than rock shows. When you go to a rock show these days, all you get is an aging musician lecturing you about the dangers of fracking and an old guy telling you to sit down.

At the Drake concert I saw one of the grossest things ever. Now it’s common knowledge that men tend to not wash their hands after going to the washroom. The young bro-like gentleman standing at the sink next to me in the washroom of the Canadian Tire Centre did in fact wash his hands, but things went horribly wrong during the drying process. The paper towel dispenser was out of paper towels. Most guys would dry their hands off with a “jazz hands” technique but this guy was too much of a man for broadway theatrics. He reached into the garbage pulled out a used paper towel, dried his  hands off and put the paper towel back in the garbage. Drying your hands on the inside of your underpants would have been a more sanitary option. At least the germs are yours.

Now that’s something you will never see at a rock concert.

@JohnnyNovak

*Miguel opened up for Drake and that dude has some Marvin Gaye level panty peeler slow jams. Look him up, he’s going to be big.

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gta5

With today’s release of the new Grand Theft Auto V video game, comes the same old backlash from parental groups. “The game is too violent, our kids will grow up to be like the characters in the game.” I’m paraphrasing, but these are the complaints that come with every GTA release and as a former gamer I can only say, they are absolutely correct. This is my story as a child who used to play Grand Theft Auto and who I became today because of it.

Fall 2002

I had just turned 13, I was in grade 8 at All Saints Catholic School in Kanata and I had a huge crush on this girl named Steph. Since girls don’t like guys with pimples and prepubescent moustaches, I dealt with my emotions like any 13 year old, by playing video games about murder and hookers (I was seriously 13?!) in my parents basement.  At the time I had been playing Grand Theft Auto III for sometime but a new game called Grand Theft Auto: Vice City just came out. It was exactly like GTA III but it was set in the ’80s and loosely based on one of my favourite movies at the time, Scarface. (Again, great material for a 13 year old. Seriously?!) The storyline was really great but I really enjoyed the part of the game where you could steal a tank and blow stuff up and the police would chase you. It was really fun and the hilarious radio commercials produced by Lazlow Jones and the Houser Brothers made it even more awesome for this greasy moustachioed bandit. Here’s a Rambo parody they did from Vice City:

A few years later Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas came out, it was also an amazing game but by the time I was 16 I had lost all interest in gaming. That’s because my acne cleared and the rest of my beard grew in. Eat your heart out Steph.

2013: What I did with my life

Fast forward to present day. Grand Theft Auto changed my life. It inspired me to get into the radio business, which is where I work today. In college my voice work and production skills won me several awards but success like that, apparently gets you nowhere these days.  Instead I work several part-time and temporary jobs, that some how don’t pay the bills even though I work 6, sometimes 7 days a week. Not where I saw myself in 5 years.

What I should have done with my life

I should have stolen a tank. Then I would have went jail and earned a degree on taxpayers money. Then once I got out, I could have become a motivational speaker. They would have gave me my own national show for sure! I could have been John Tesh, but with balls. But I didn’t.

The Moral of the Story

Don’t buy your kids Grand Theft Auto. They’ll end up thinking they can make money in the entertainment business.

And come see me perform stand up comedy on these upcoming dates.

September 17/Connors Gaelic Pub/Ottawa

September 19/M Bar/Montreal

October 16/Absolute Comedy/Ottawa

October 23/Yuk Yuk’s (Elgin St)/Ottawa

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