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Johnny Novak

Yes, it's my real name

heartandcrownmarket

The Christmas season is all about giving and this Sunday I have a gift for you. I was recently asked to put together a comedy show that would raise money for a local charity. I rounded up some of the best local talent and we will be performing this Sunday December 8th at 7:30PM at the Heart and Crown in the Byward Market. My good friends Dan Ciggy, Tim Riel, Rebecca Reeds, Colin O’Brien, Kyle Pooler, Greg Houston and myself will be donating our time and talents to give you a fun filled evening during this busy time of year. Tickets are $10 and all proceeds go to  Valerie’s Flutter Foundation.

 

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All the information on how to pick up tickets can be found here or at the door. Thank you so much for your support. I hope to see you on Sunday night.

Love,

@JohnnyNovak

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This article could be written about any recently deceased celebrity but we’re using Paul Walker because he’s relevant. Whenever a celebrity dies there is always the person who say something like

“BUT PEOPLE ARE KILLED IN DRONE STRIKES EVERYDAY IN PAKISTAN, WHY ISN’T THE INTERNET CRYING OVER THEM?”

Here’s a quick blurb on how the news works.

The news is meant to inform YOU (yes, you the person reading this blurb in the brackets with the spelling errror) and let you know what NEW things are happening in YOUR LIFE. The root word of news is new. So if people are “killed everyday” is it really new(s)? Harsh statement but it’s true. Sure those Pakistanis who lost their lives 5 minutes ago were most likely great people, but what did they do for you? You’ve seen a Paul Walker movie (your girlfriend too) and he also helped a lot of people around the world. Paul Walker was more involved in your life than people in Pakistan whose names you don’t know. The news reports on the issues that affect your life and it’s not their fault that you like The Fast and the Furious way more than middle eastern issues. That’s how the news works.

On the flip side, pick up a newspaper from Pakistan and you’ll find out that no one gives a damn that Brian Earl Spilner won’t be ordering the tuna anymore.

Actor Paul Walker

 

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Here’s where you can catch me on stage in the coming weeks.

Saturday November 23rd Bronson Centre 6:30PM, Ottawa

Tuesday December 3rd Brass Monkey 7:30PM, Ottawa

Sunday December 8th Heart and Crown Byward Market 8:00PM, Ottawa

Tuesday December 10th Connors Gaelic Pub 8:30PM, Ottawa

Wednesday December 18th Yuk Yuk’s Elgin 8:30PM, Ottawa

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How many times have you heard someone say that? How times have you wanted to slap that person? “I like all music, except country and rap” is the verbal equivalent of posting a picture that starts with the words “Keep Calm…”. Rap and country music are the two hottest genres of music right now. In the past week, I’ve attended a country concert and a rap concert.

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And they’re two of the best shows I’ve seen.

Here’s why: now country and rap aren’t my favourite genres (I’m more of an R&B/Soul kind of guy*) but if there’s a major country or rap star playing a show in your area, go! They are one of the best places for people watching. The amount of amazing stuff that happens at these shows is unbelievable.

A country show is the only place where you will see an intoxicated grown man run across a stage dressed like a cowboy (outside of halloween) and then get hauled off like a flailing wild animal. I hate to say it but country shows are way better than rock shows. When you go to a rock show these days, all you get is an aging musician lecturing you about the dangers of fracking and an old guy telling you to sit down.

At the Drake concert I saw one of the grossest things ever. Now it’s common knowledge that men tend to not wash their hands after going to the washroom. The young bro-like gentleman standing at the sink next to me in the washroom of the Canadian Tire Centre did in fact wash his hands, but things went horribly wrong during the drying process. The paper towel dispenser was out of paper towels. Most guys would dry their hands off with a “jazz hands” technique but this guy was too much of a man for broadway theatrics. He reached into the garbage pulled out a used paper towel, dried his  hands off and put the paper towel back in the garbage. Drying your hands on the inside of your underpants would have been a more sanitary option. At least the germs are yours.

Now that’s something you will never see at a rock concert.

@JohnnyNovak

*Miguel opened up for Drake and that dude has some Marvin Gaye level panty peeler slow jams. Look him up, he’s going to be big.

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Here’s where you can see me perform this month:

Tuesday October 8th Connor’s Gaelic Pub, Ottawa
Tuesday October 15th Connor’s Gaelic Pub, Ottawa (I’m hosting the show!)
Wednesday October 16th Absolute Comedy, Ottawa
Saturday October 19th Ballygiblin’s, Carleton Place
Wednesday October 23rd Yuk Yuk’s Elgin Street, Ottawa

For info on last minute shows, follow me on Twitter: @JohnnyNovak.

gta5

With today’s release of the new Grand Theft Auto V video game, comes the same old backlash from parental groups. “The game is too violent, our kids will grow up to be like the characters in the game.” I’m paraphrasing, but these are the complaints that come with every GTA release and as a former gamer I can only say, they are absolutely correct. This is my story as a child who used to play Grand Theft Auto and who I became today because of it.

Fall 2002

I had just turned 13, I was in grade 8 at All Saints Catholic School in Kanata and I had a huge crush on this girl named Steph. Since girls don’t like guys with pimples and prepubescent moustaches, I dealt with my emotions like any 13 year old, by playing video games about murder and hookers (I was seriously 13?!) in my parents basement.  At the time I had been playing Grand Theft Auto III for sometime but a new game called Grand Theft Auto: Vice City just came out. It was exactly like GTA III but it was set in the ’80s and loosely based on one of my favourite movies at the time, Scarface. (Again, great material for a 13 year old. Seriously?!) The storyline was really great but I really enjoyed the part of the game where you could steal a tank and blow stuff up and the police would chase you. It was really fun and the hilarious radio commercials produced by Lazlow Jones and the Houser Brothers made it even more awesome for this greasy moustachioed bandit. Here’s a Rambo parody they did from Vice City:

A few years later Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas came out, it was also an amazing game but by the time I was 16 I had lost all interest in gaming. That’s because my acne cleared and the rest of my beard grew in. Eat your heart out Steph.

2013: What I did with my life

Fast forward to present day. Grand Theft Auto changed my life. It inspired me to get into the radio business, which is where I work today. In college my voice work and production skills won me several awards but success like that, apparently gets you nowhere these days.  Instead I work several part-time and temporary jobs, that some how don’t pay the bills even though I work 6, sometimes 7 days a week. Not where I saw myself in 5 years.

What I should have done with my life

I should have stolen a tank. Then I would have went jail and earned a degree on taxpayers money. Then once I got out, I could have become a motivational speaker. They would have gave me my own national show for sure! I could have been John Tesh, but with balls. But I didn’t.

The Moral of the Story

Don’t buy your kids Grand Theft Auto. They’ll end up thinking they can make money in the entertainment business.

And come see me perform stand up comedy on these upcoming dates.

September 17/Connors Gaelic Pub/Ottawa

September 19/M Bar/Montreal

October 16/Absolute Comedy/Ottawa

October 23/Yuk Yuk’s (Elgin St)/Ottawa

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Bruce Springsteen 2 1978

Almost every band has a “live” album these days. I’m putting live in quotes because sometimes bands will take their studio tracks and put a canned crowd noise behind it and try to pass it off as “live”. (Refer to Kiss’ Alive I through XXX) If you are in a band, please put out a live album, they are awesome, they capture the atmosphere of your shows but whatever you do, don’t duplicate your studio work. We could just stay home and listen to your album in our living rooms. The booze is cheaper too.

 

Here’s how to properly do a live version of a song:

 

Bruce Springsteen – “Prove It All Night” (Darkness On The Edge Of Town, 1978)

It’s a great song. It’s got a basic verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus structure with some sax and guitar solos thrown in the mix.The song tops out at just under 4 minutes making it a great radio friendly song but how do you improve on that?

Bruce Springsteen – “Prove It All Night” (Live 1978)

Triple the length and add more guitar!

Also, send me your live stuff if you have any.

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