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Johnny Novak

Yes, it's my real name

Category Archives: Video Games

gta5

With today’s release of the new Grand Theft Auto V video game, comes the same old backlash from parental groups. “The game is too violent, our kids will grow up to be like the characters in the game.” I’m paraphrasing, but these are the complaints that come with every GTA release and as a former gamer I can only say, they are absolutely correct. This is my story as a child who used to play Grand Theft Auto and who I became today because of it.

Fall 2002

I had just turned 13, I was in grade 8 at All Saints Catholic School in Kanata and I had a huge crush on this girl named Steph. Since girls don’t like guys with pimples and prepubescent moustaches, I dealt with my emotions like any 13 year old, by playing video games about murder and hookers (I was seriously 13?!) in my parents basement.  At the time I had been playing Grand Theft Auto III for sometime but a new game called Grand Theft Auto: Vice City just came out. It was exactly like GTA III but it was set in the ’80s and loosely based on one of my favourite movies at the time, Scarface. (Again, great material for a 13 year old. Seriously?!) The storyline was really great but I really enjoyed the part of the game where you could steal a tank and blow stuff up and the police would chase you. It was really fun and the hilarious radio commercials produced by Lazlow Jones and the Houser Brothers made it even more awesome for this greasy moustachioed bandit. Here’s a Rambo parody they did from Vice City:

A few years later Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas came out, it was also an amazing game but by the time I was 16 I had lost all interest in gaming. That’s because my acne cleared and the rest of my beard grew in. Eat your heart out Steph.

2013: What I did with my life

Fast forward to present day. Grand Theft Auto changed my life. It inspired me to get into the radio business, which is where I work today. In college my voice work and production skills won me several awards but success like that, apparently gets you nowhere these days.  Instead I work several part-time and temporary jobs, that some how don’t pay the bills even though I work 6, sometimes 7 days a week. Not where I saw myself in 5 years.

What I should have done with my life

I should have stolen a tank. Then I would have went jail and earned a degree on taxpayers money. Then once I got out, I could have become a motivational speaker. They would have gave me my own national show for sure! I could have been John Tesh, but with balls. But I didn’t.

The Moral of the Story

Don’t buy your kids Grand Theft Auto. They’ll end up thinking they can make money in the entertainment business.

And come see me perform stand up comedy on these upcoming dates.

September 17/Connors Gaelic Pub/Ottawa

September 19/M Bar/Montreal

October 16/Absolute Comedy/Ottawa

October 23/Yuk Yuk’s (Elgin St)/Ottawa

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