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Johnny Novak

Yes, it's my real name

Monthly Archives: February 2014

A friend of mine recently finished his university exams. Afterwards, over a few beers at a bar, I asked him how they went. The conversation went like this:

 

“How were your exams?

A lot easier than I expected, it was a cake walk!

A what?

A cake walk! 

Dude, that makes no sense…”

 

It makes no sense because you are taking two sayings that mean easy separately, but when you put them together, the task becomes very difficult. The sayings are “It’s a Piece of Cake” and “It’s a Walk in the Park”, let’s break them down.

It’s a piece of cake!

If you’re between the ages of 1 and 105, eating a piece of cake is quite simple. It’s soft, moist and doesn’t require teeth to digest. You probably eat cake at least once a year. The only thing difficult about about eating cake is trying to eat the whole thing. That’s why you’re having a piece.

It’s a walk in the park!

With the exception of Central Park in the late ’70s, a walk in the park is quite simple. Parks are relaxing, parks are a great place to unwind… I can’t make this anymore clear.

Now when you put those two together you get:

It’s a cake walk!

Have you ever tried to move a cake? Add in public transportation and moving a cake becomes a high calorie nightmare! It’s a lot of pastry and icing to handle, and it’s always placed in a very flimsy box. You also can’t let that cake touch the sides! It’s like a game of Operation but with a higher chance of diabetes. What if you drop the cake? You’ve just ruined someone’s birthday, anniversary or maybe even a wedding! That’s a lot of stress for one “simple” activity.

That's not alright, alright, alright!

That’s not alright, alright, alright!

So save yourself some trouble, don’t walk with a cake.

And follow me on Twitter @Johnny Novak

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It was a cold December morning about 11:00 and I was heading downtown to continue my Christmas shopping. I decided to take the bus instead of driving because I knew I would never find a parking spot. Even if I did find a parking spot, it would probably cost me an arm and a leg and I need those to carry gifts. So there I was, standing in a salt-stained glass covered bus shelter.

I live in Ottawa, so waiting 10 to 20 minutes for a bus to arrive is normal. There I was standing in the bus shelter by myself looking down at my iPhone, flipping through my apps to kill time. Facebook-Twitter-Instagram, no updates. I did it again, Facebook-Twitter-Instagram, still no updates on my phone… obviously. This is the part were I regret leaving my headphones at home. I put my phone in my pocket and that’s when I noticed her. She was tall, slender but not skinny. She was probably a model at one point but the McDonalds bag in her left hand suggested that was no longer the case. We made eye contact. She had big brown eyes and thick dark brown hair that flowed past her shoulders. She was wearing a bright tight fitting red parka that (unfortunately) covered her butt and yes, she had yoga pants on.  She had a black Chanel bag draped over her shoulder.

Miley_Chanel

Not Actual Girl

She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I didn’t know if she had a boyfriend but I knew she wasn’t married judging by the lack of ring on her left hand. I had to talk to her, she was gorgeous and I was falling in love with her right in the middle of that salty bus shelter. My first instinct was to tell her that she was beautiful but she’d probably heard that a million times before. I wanted to tell her something different, something educational that would make me look smart, something that would make me stand out from the rest of the guys who have hit on her. I looked her up and then I looked her down. She was beautiful, kind of like Audrey Hepburn but not dead. That’s when I saw it, the Chanel bag. I was going to make a comment about her bag. I was going to tell her something she probably didn’t know. That’s how zombie Audrey Hepburn would remember me.  I opened my mouth and said:

“Hey, did you know Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II?

Silence.

She looked at me with a blank face. She then proceeded to put her earbud headphones in and got on a different bus. Needless to say, I will Nazi her ever again…

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